The Back Up Plan...What PTSD Has Taught Me
I am a sufferer of PTSD.
I am not going to explain here how I came to own this disorder, but I have been living almost my entire life in a caustic cloud of emotional and physical pain and everyday of my life is a struggle just to be normal, just to breathe and function. I would love nothing more than to get help for this so I can be healthy enough to enjoy happiness and feel what is means to be happy, but I am also one of millions of Americans who do not have health insurance and not by choice, someday I hope my nation will understand that a persons need to be healthy is a right not a privilege and that we would be better off if everyone was healthy, but this is a topic for another rant.
I have been in a place with my estranged Husband where we are not yet ready to give up the ghost and yet we live apart and go about our lives only staying just a few steps out of reach of what we want.
Like me he has PTSD and like me he has had one failed relationship after another. In a conversation we had this morning I realized that all this time we had never let go of our pasts to move with confidence into and throughout our marriage. We have spent all of our time and energy on 'The Back Up Plan', never trusting ourselves or each other to live by our vows and live in the moment with each other. We have both always kept that 'Just in Case" in the back of our minds.
I think this is what is referred to as trust issues.
We have both kept a Back Up Plan to fall back on if the marriage did not work out, instead of living in the moment and giving out good energy to each other we spent it all on what to do if it fell apart, thus creating the inevitable negative energy that eventually became our demise.
Marriage is not the only part of my life where I have had to have a back up plan, I have one with every relationship, every job and every home.
The intensity of always having to live in this way is killing me and draining me of what little energy I have left. PTSD is like a toothache that never goes away and it is a pain so intense that is distracts you from the world around, from the good and the beauty around you.
What PTSD has taught me is that I must not trust, I must always have a way out. I don't want to live with this anymore.
I am not going to explain here how I came to own this disorder, but I have been living almost my entire life in a caustic cloud of emotional and physical pain and everyday of my life is a struggle just to be normal, just to breathe and function. I would love nothing more than to get help for this so I can be healthy enough to enjoy happiness and feel what is means to be happy, but I am also one of millions of Americans who do not have health insurance and not by choice, someday I hope my nation will understand that a persons need to be healthy is a right not a privilege and that we would be better off if everyone was healthy, but this is a topic for another rant.
I have been in a place with my estranged Husband where we are not yet ready to give up the ghost and yet we live apart and go about our lives only staying just a few steps out of reach of what we want.
Like me he has PTSD and like me he has had one failed relationship after another. In a conversation we had this morning I realized that all this time we had never let go of our pasts to move with confidence into and throughout our marriage. We have spent all of our time and energy on 'The Back Up Plan', never trusting ourselves or each other to live by our vows and live in the moment with each other. We have both always kept that 'Just in Case" in the back of our minds.
I think this is what is referred to as trust issues.
We have both kept a Back Up Plan to fall back on if the marriage did not work out, instead of living in the moment and giving out good energy to each other we spent it all on what to do if it fell apart, thus creating the inevitable negative energy that eventually became our demise.
Marriage is not the only part of my life where I have had to have a back up plan, I have one with every relationship, every job and every home.
The intensity of always having to live in this way is killing me and draining me of what little energy I have left. PTSD is like a toothache that never goes away and it is a pain so intense that is distracts you from the world around, from the good and the beauty around you.
What PTSD has taught me is that I must not trust, I must always have a way out. I don't want to live with this anymore.
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