Burning Bridges
When my sister passed away last year, I made it my mission to make certain that the only memories people kept with them were good.
The truth of her life and that of all us is we are made up of two dimensions. We have one dimension that is our good, our compassion, our kindness, our ability to give and receive love.
The other side is the one that hovers behind our shadow, lurking like a feral cat waiting to strike if challenged and when it is, it leaves behind karmic junk and hurt people.
Its natural to experience moments of not being the best we can be to ourselves and others but we always must try to not to reveal our feral nature and if we do, we must correct our mistakes and make amends.
My sister never made amends where it was needed and for so many months before her passing I prayed for her soul and prayed she would reach out to those she had wronged and heal her spirit and correct her karma. She did not. I asked her many times, but she refused.
Like me and our other sister, she had a painful and abusive childhood and all three of us have been left with scars that sadly will always be with us. We three chose different paths based on how our beginnings affected us and how we chose to deal with our suffering pasts. For her she was always angry and looking for instant gratification. She wielded her natural beauty like a sword lashing out with hurt and disdain for those of us less ascetically gifted, she was vain and conceited.
She was obsessed with material things and smothered her home in Knick knacks and furnishings to capacity. She wanted every thing for nothing and despised having any part of the day to day world we all must endure. She was a recluse who would almost never step foot outside of her home or yard. She never sat down to a computer in her life and had no knowledge beyond the basics needed for living, although she always managed not to make it in the working world, thus living off of others or the state. She always seemed to have a 'Get out of adulthood free' card.
Once she told me of a dream she had about our Grandmother whom she hated. She told me in the dream Grandma came to her and asked forgiveness for the bad way she had treated my sister in life and my sister triumphantly refused to forgive her, shouted at the ghost and sent her away. I was alarmed and told my sister how bad that was, that when the dead come to us for forgiveness there is no excuse to refuse them, but she disagreed. She would steal things from us from time to time if she liked something we had she would take it.
She was emotionally and physically abusive to her husbands because they turned out to be human beings with human flaws instead of perfect white knights. I witnessed her do such horrible acts of violence to them. Her first husband was an amazing up and coming musician from a prominent family and she saw in him fame and fortune, decided the only way to snare him was to get pregnant. He was not ready, he was, like her, a high school kid with a dream and she took that dream from him and destroyed his life.
The second one was another amazing man and when she tired of him she hurt him in unspeakable ways then tossed him aside like garbage.
Now, these men had their faults too and they could have been better in their behavior, but they were dealing with personal demons and needed a wife composed of compassion support and understanding but she did not possess these qualities to be shown upon other people. She hated humans and revered animals. I have very few humans I truly love and would die for.
Like me and our other sister, she had a painful and abusive childhood and all three of us have been left with scars that sadly will always be with us. We three chose different paths based on how our beginnings affected us and how we chose to deal with our suffering pasts. For her she was always angry and looking for instant gratification. She wielded her natural beauty like a sword lashing out with hurt and disdain for those of us less ascetically gifted, she was vain and conceited.
She was obsessed with material things and smothered her home in Knick knacks and furnishings to capacity. She wanted every thing for nothing and despised having any part of the day to day world we all must endure. She was a recluse who would almost never step foot outside of her home or yard. She never sat down to a computer in her life and had no knowledge beyond the basics needed for living, although she always managed not to make it in the working world, thus living off of others or the state. She always seemed to have a 'Get out of adulthood free' card.
Once she told me of a dream she had about our Grandmother whom she hated. She told me in the dream Grandma came to her and asked forgiveness for the bad way she had treated my sister in life and my sister triumphantly refused to forgive her, shouted at the ghost and sent her away. I was alarmed and told my sister how bad that was, that when the dead come to us for forgiveness there is no excuse to refuse them, but she disagreed. She would steal things from us from time to time if she liked something we had she would take it.
She was emotionally and physically abusive to her husbands because they turned out to be human beings with human flaws instead of perfect white knights. I witnessed her do such horrible acts of violence to them. Her first husband was an amazing up and coming musician from a prominent family and she saw in him fame and fortune, decided the only way to snare him was to get pregnant. He was not ready, he was, like her, a high school kid with a dream and she took that dream from him and destroyed his life.
The second one was another amazing man and when she tired of him she hurt him in unspeakable ways then tossed him aside like garbage.
Now, these men had their faults too and they could have been better in their behavior, but they were dealing with personal demons and needed a wife composed of compassion support and understanding but she did not possess these qualities to be shown upon other people. She hated humans and revered animals. I have very few humans I truly love and would die for.
Never misunderstand me for I love my sister with all my heart and wish she were here today, but if I only tell the world of her light it would be a tragic half truth of who she really was and like us all filled with flaws, flaws that become the matches that light the fires that burn our bridges.
Comments
Post a Comment